This day, May 5, 2006 was a horrible day. It was the day of the viewing at the funderal home for my mom. It was the day before we burried her. 48 years old. Too young.
I was 22 at the time....far too young to be without a mother.
This weekend was difficult. May 1st was the day she died. May 3rd the day I found her dead in her apartment from a heart attack in her sleep. May 4th made arrangements at the funeral home. May 5th the viewing. May 6th the funeral.
It's been 3 years and I still remember every detail. When I think about the events of the day I found her....I still feel those exact emotions. I can still feel every muscle in my body fail when they told me she was "sleeping". I can still feel the blood rush from my head when I saw them bring her out on the stretcher....in a body bag. I can still remember the blood curdling scream of my aunt and grandmother when I called and shared the news. I remember every phone call I made and what I said in each. I still can feel the last hug we shared. The last word we spoke..."I Love You".
And each year....Mother's Day sucks! I hate it. I hate all the commercials about celebrating how great moms are because I no longer have one. I am eternally broken. There is no putty or glue that can ever put me back together again. On May 1, 2006, part of me died. There is no remedy to bring it back to life. I have really tried to focus on the wonderful memories this year. But those wonderful memories only assist with the reality that there will be no more wonderful memories made with her. What is in my memory is all that I have left. What if I forget? They say you never do, but what if I do?
So needless to say, I'm having a crappy week. I miss my mommy.