the stars in the sky

i love me some kari jobe.
like fo true....she's my girl.
she has a new album coming out in march and i simply can't wait.

she had an album come out a couple years ago called "where i find you" and it was just so perfectly everything i needed. every song is all about god's faithfulness and greatness even when life is tough.
and it's always my go-to when i'm feeling a little down.

one song i love in particular is called "stars in the sky". basically, it's all about god being in control....even the stars hang there until god tells them to. the sun shines because he told it to.

and that's what i'm trying to hard to be these days....the star that hangs there until He speaks. until He says MOVE.

but that's so hard.
oh my stupid humanity just wants to run now. jump now. MOVE now.

i'm ready to get the ball rolling in so many areas, and as soon as i think it's time, i am faced with more waiting.

truly, the motto of my life should be hurry up and wait.
it's like two steps forward, then stay still for a while.

this adventure or infertility has tested every part of my being.
and there's just something about the fact that this year will mark 10 years in the journey that makes me want to vomit.

five years, eight years, even nine years....i was dealing ok. and i'm still dealing ok...that's not the issue.
it's just that TEN YEARS seems so large. it seems like such a big, big number.
a big number with really no direction.
and so my prayer life lately has been consumed with asking for direction.
which way God? do we adopt? how will we pay for it?
do we keep seeking the help of doctors? how long? when do we say enough is enough?
when can i go adopt that whole orphanage in africa or haiti or russia or china?
when? when? when?

the only response my spirit hears is "not now".

and so, the question can't be "if not now, when?" in fact, i can't question it at all really.
my one and only response has to be: "ok God. Ok. I will wait. And I will praise you in the waiting."

and like the stars, i will hang there until He says move.