Where to even start?
This past spring I was starting to lose a little bit of hope for our someday baby. There was a new level of insecurity and comparison that I wasn’t prepared for when we started the adoption process. It was kind of like a relapse of when we were trying to conceive and everyone else was pregnant except me. I found myself in a sea of adoptive families all getting their baby match and yet we were still nowhere near a match. We received multiple situations that we could have presented on, but they were either way out of our budget constraints or the birth moms had engaged in drug/alcohol usage in levels that we were not comfortable with.
One particular Sunday morning, I was struggling with jealously over an adoptive family that was on their way to meet their new baby. I cried all through church that morning. We sang this song called “Faithfulness” by Hillsong. I ugly cried of course. And while I don’t claim to hear God speak audibly, He most definitely spoke to my heart that morning in a most undeniable way.
“I am faithful, Lauren.”
That was all I needed to hear. From that moment I knew that God completely had us in His grip and that whatever happened, we would be OK.
Fast forward a few weeks, and we presented to a near perfect case. And the birth family chose someone else. It stung more than it should have. But that night, I retreated to bed early and pulled out my bible. It was my deepest source of comfort. Psalm 139 is one thatI had been reading and claiming throughout this journey. There’s just something special about seeing in writing that God goes before us and behind us and He’s already traveled this road. So as I was fumbling to get to Psalm 139, I instead flipped to Psalm 113:9. It was a verse that I do not remember ever reading and so when you see it, you’ll understand the shock my heart received:
“He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the Lord!” – Psalm 113:9
Ok God, I hear you. Goodness.
And yet again my hope was renewed that God was going to work this out. I’m not naïve – not every family that believes in God and prays for a baby gets a baby. And I was wrestling within my own heart in knowing I would be OK if my deepest desire never happened. But between this verse and the “faithful” moment, I KNEW that God was going to work this all out. I KNEW He had a baby for us.
To be continued…