***Warning: the following is a self absorbed pitty party post. Read at your own risk and do not judge me.***
Seriously, everyone I know is either pregnant or adopting. Then when going through the blogs I follow - the theme yesterday was "We're Expecting"! Hmm.
First let me say how incredibly happy I am for those people. Honestly, it's such a blessing.
But then, my selfish worldly self comes out and reminds me of what my life is like.
It all started before I was even born.
I feel confident I was born with a black cloud over my head. And to be honest, I'm really ready for it to go away.
I just feel like I exist among a pile of rubble that is my life. Lots of broken pieces.
I've been married over 5 years. It's time to start a family. I also have not used any form of birth control for 4 years and not even the slightest hope of a baby (I have PCOS). We're not trying, but we're not preventing. Obviously it is not our time.
But when will it be?
When will this dark cloud move away and let a little sun shine on our lives.
I'm tired of being disappointed.
I need some positivity.
I mean seriously, you have no idea the crap we've been through. Sure some of it was our own fault - I'd be completely foolish not to take responsibility. But a LOT of it was not our fault at all.
I read that the prime age to have a child is 23. Well I'm a few years past that! I just want what every woman is designed to be - a wife and a mother.
I think what is most troubling is that I feel like I'm losing hope. My mentality is that of "don't get your hopes up" or "if I have no expectations, I can't get hurt" or "it's too good to be true" or even "that's nice, but we don't have that kind of luck". I've acted this way for so long and it's been just in the last couple of weeks that I've realized what I have become. Hopeless. And that's not what God intended for us. He is our hope. And I know that. I also know that God makes beautiful things out of brokeness.
But today, I just choose to have a pity party. Ok, maybe just for a couple of hours...I'll wallow in my self-absorbedness (i think i just made up a word) and then I'll get over it.
Well maybe not completely over it, but at least over my pity party.
And remember - I warned you this was a self absorbed post and not to judge me :)