Christmas without. 

I never thought by my 32nd Christmas on this earth that I wouldn't be celebrating it with you. There are touches of you all around my house, but YOU are no where to be found. Never in a million years did I ever think you wouldn't be here to experience life with. What I wouldn't give for one more conversation. One more hug. One more smile. One more anything really.

I wasn't prepared to have to be an adult without you. I guess nothing ever prepares us for life without our moms.

I wasn't prepared for the constant waves of emotions you not being here has caused. And frankly, it pisses me off!

You were supposed to be here mom! You were supposed to be by my side when I bring my baby home. You were supposed to be the one who knows me the best and I bet now, you wouldn't know me at all.

I know that heaven must be amazing. And my heart simply aches until I can be there with you. I miss you so terribly. Words can't even begin to describe.

And while everyone is full of their Christmas joy and family celebrations, I too am full of joy, but also a bit broken because there is an empty spot at the table that you should be filling.

Ten years. I should have a grip by now.

But that's never going to happen. I will never fully have a grip on a life without you in it.