baby making and such

it's been a while since i've given any sort of updates on the baby making front.
in simple terms, we still have no baby.
the doctor wanted to gradually add a few new meds to the mix.
in september we tried femara. it's a similar to clomid, but a little different.
so i took it and we participated in the special recreational activities that a couple does when trying to conceive ;)
and then i was experiencing lots of "symptoms".
now....the reality of the matter is that most pregnancy symptoms are the same as pms.
the body is very tricky.
that, plus the added anticipation because i wanted to be pregnant made them all the more "evident" to me.
and then i was late. oh no - could it be happening?
i tested last thursday.
nope.
then i was tested again when i was in the ER sunday morning.
no again.
i'm pretty sure it didn't even make me ovulate because i still haven't started.
after 8 years of this roller coaster, the negative pregnancy test is still not easy to stomach.
it's kind of like every time i see the "no" it's a reminder of the struggle.
on friday, my grandmother went to cvs to get her flu shot. while there, she struck up a convo with the nurse practitioner. somehow they got on the topic of my infertility, to which the nurse suggested i try an over the counter supplement called pregnitude. and so i ordered it!
i mean seriously, at this point it can't hurt. 

i'm not taking any more fertility meds other than the pregnitude until after the first of the year.
one, because i just don't want to. and two, hopefully this will make paris a little less hormonal haha!
so chris and i have decided that we'll reevaluate after the first of the year. 
medically, our next and final step would be IUI.
it's a tough place to be in because i'm trying to do the "right" thing.
on one hand, there's the argument that if you were diagnosed with cancer, you'd be more than willing to take the meds even if they didn't work. you would make every effort to get better.
but on the other hand, it's kind of like what's the purpose in taking them if they don't work.
you see my dilemma?
so here we go again. one small step at a time and one huge prayer at a time.
i do not doubt that i will have a child whether it be biological or adopted. i just wish God would give me a little insight and just tell me what to do next. 
do i sit and wait or do i try another medication?
and by a little insight, i mean like a blinking huge flashing billboard with the answer.
there you have it. 
not too much that's new and exciting.
but this is a learning journey right? like some day i'm going to look back and see God's infinite plan all along?
i shall hope so. i shall hope. so.